Idle Doodles
by Yamamato
Summary: People always wonder, its in our nature. We wonder why some people get away with certain things, we wonder why they act the way they do, and we wonder just what secrets they keep from us. A collection of oneshots, most will be humorous, though there will be the odd serious addition.
1. Chapter 1

**One-shot One, Just Your Average Day**

**This'll be a compilation of one-shots I'll work on from time to time whenever I feel like it, or to help get over any cases of writer's block.**

**Hope you all enjoy reading this.**

_'Just your average day in Konoha.'_ lazily thought an ANBU one Monday morning.

He stood atop a tall building, doing nothing to hide himself from any observers, simply watching the civilians on the street below sleepily go about their morning routine. The ANBU wore a jacket, pants, gloves, all black and gray, with a mask depicting a dog on his face. He suddenly reached up, making a show of cupping his ear with his hand and leaning in the direction of a large group of angry voices, all swiftly growing louder.

Running around a corner, a small, four year-old boy ran with all his considerable might to get away from a chasing mob. The ANBU couldn't help but notice that, as a small girl ducked out of their way, the boy blubbered, cried, and shouted over his shoulder that he didn't want to be hurt, never did anything to them, was sorry, etcetera etcetera etcetera. For the millionth time since this job started, the ANBU couldn't help but be humbled at her amazing acting.

As the mob chased the suspiciously quick boy, a merchant who had been setting up shop in anticipation shouted, "Torches and pitchforks! Come one, come all and get your torches and pitchforks! Don't just be any old angry mob, be the classic angry mob!"

_'Huh,'_ lazily thought the ANBU, noticing with his sharp eye that the weapons crates didn't have any seal of approval on them, _'that's new.'_

The mob slowed as they passed the shop, looking relieved. Taking out their wallets or purses and handing the merchant money, they shouldered their weapons. They looked around for their quarry, quickly finding the blonde four year old, and didn't think to question the fact that the boy had waited patiently for them to get their torches and pitchforks.

And so the chase resumed.

The ANBU followed from the rooftops sedately, lazily hopping over the gaps made by streets and alleys. He idly examined the weapons the mob had picked this time, dozens of pointy pitchforks (a classic), dozens of lit torches (why on this god-awful hot morning?), and the odd, comically-oversized cleaver being waved around like a baton (how are they even lifting those things?).

The boy expertly weaved through the streets, brushing by person after person and leaving them with the odd feeling they missed something. The mob, meanwhile, didn't have to worry about any sort of finesse, as everyone in the street parted to make room for them so they could go by unhindered. When the mob and boy turned the next corner, all the civilians in the street shook their heads sadly.

Just your average day in Konoha.

The boy ran down the oddly quiet street, unhindered by any mesh of people. He tearfully teased the crowd, slowly pulling ahead and making them think they'll lose him, and slowing down until he came within inches of their swung pitchforks, before speeding up again. The whiskered boy turned another corner, and almost broke down in tears when he saw a brick wall instead of a wide open street. He turned, looking for an escape route, only to back up against the wall when the crowd came around the corner, menacingly waving around their weapons.

"Looks like there's no more room for the demon boy to run!" chuckled the man that looked to be the leader, stepping forward out of the mob.

Behind him everyone laughed. The man turned to face the crowd, fat belly bouncing at the sudden movement, "Lets make sure the demon never runs again!" he shouted, thrusting his torch into the air.

Everyone copied his movements, making the watching ANBU think absently of sheep, before the man continued, "Who wants to do the honors!"

Immediately the crowd burst into noise, people pushing, shoving and shouting in hopes of being singled out. The leader rubbed his chin, squinting his eyes, before pointing to a mountain of a man in the back standing calmly, knowing he didn't need to do anything to stand out. The mountain shouldered his way to the front, a grin on his face and a disturbing gleam in his eye. Taking a proffered pitchfork from the leader, the man walked up to the cowering little boy and pointed it at him.

"This," he thundered lowly, "is for everyone you ever killed, Demon!" and thrust the farming tool at the boy's face.

If this had been a poorly thought out piece of fiction, this would be the dramatic moment when time would seem to slow as the the gleaming points came closer and closer to the boy's head. If this had been a poorly thought out piece of fiction, this would be when token goodguy/girl number three appeared out of nowhere to stop it millimeters from the boy's face. Fortunately this was not a poorly thought out piece of fiction, but real life. So, instead of time dilation and token goodguy/girl number three appearing out of nowhere, the formerly watching ANBU lazily blinked into existence before the mountain of a man, snatched the pitchfork from his hand, and bonked him on the side of the head with it, putting him on the ground.

Just your average day in Konoha.

"Maa," the ANBU drawled lazily, ignoring the mob for a moment and addressing his team, "whose idea was it to put the weapon's shop selling smuggled weapons along the route?" Most of his team appeared on the rooftops around the dead end alleyway. One, wearing a weasel mask raised his hand to claim credit.

The ANBU nodded, "Anyway," he cheerfully started, looking back at the crowd, "just what do you people think you're doing?"

As one, the leader, the mountain on the ground, and the mob behind the shouted, "Killing the Demon!"

One of the other ANBU made a gesture with his hands.

_'One-hundred and three this time?'_ he thought, whipping out an orange covered book with a man chasing after a barely clad women on the front, _'Just enough to enact the group clause, if none of them change their minds.'_

Behind the ANBU, the boy sniffled.

"What demon?" the ANBU cheerfully asked, nose in his book, "I see no demon anywhere, and I'm a ninja!"

"The demon is behind you!" shrieked a dim-witted harpy somewhere in the crowd, "You're protecting it when you don't know how dangerous it is, help us kill it!" she added, causing the mob to erupt in agreement.

The ANBU took his nose out of his book, looked behind him to see a shaking little boy, then eyed the crowd, "Now," he intoned, "I'm not sure if this boy's a demon, that's strictly academic at this point, because what _I_ see is a illegal mob chasing after a little boy, trying to kill him, and making a public nuisance of themselves. Do you know how many noise complaints have been filed because of all your shouting and screaming? This is supposed to be a peaceful village, and we can't be peaceful if there are riots going on in the streets."

"You idiot!" screamed the leader, flailing his arms around, "Don't you understand if we don't kill this demon now, i-"

The man suddenly silenced, limply falling to the ground with a kunai sticking out of his eye-socket and a soft plop. The ANBU took no notice, continuing as if he was never interrupted, "If this boy really is a demon, don't you think it would be a good idea to not try killing him?" he asked cheerfully, ignoring the corpse at his feet, "After all, if he was a font of evil, hatred, murder, and a bunch of other stuff, don't you think he would be a little irked that us measly humans are trying, keyword _trying_, to hurt him?"

The crowd fell silent for a moment, the ANBU wondering if they'll actually give in peacefully, when someone in the crowd shouted, "Kill the Demon!"

The ANBU sighed, of course not.

"Right then," the ANBU in front of the boy cheerfully said, " first, I would like to remind you that this boy's name is Naruto, not Demon. Wave to the idiots Naruto."

The boy stiffened at the sound of his name, but nonetheless waved at the people that had previously screaming for his life.

"Secondly," the ANBU continued, ignoring the big man getting off the ground, grabbing his pitchfork, and walking around him to get to Naruto, "I would like to tell you that, as a Captain within the ANBU forces, I have the authorization of the Hokage to put criminals, traitors and other scum like you through military trials in the field and pronounce you guilty of any and all crimes you committed."

"Wait," said someone in the crowd, shockingly demonstrating a meager sense of intelligence, "don't you mean _innocent or_ guilty?"

The ANBU captain shook his head, flipping a page to continue reading, _'Oh, Kurenai, you naughty vixen!'_ "Nope!" he cheerfully said aloud, "I said guilty! Now, your crimes against Konoha are as followed: one-hundred and two counts of causing a public disturbance..."

The huge man from before who tried to spear Naruto, walked closer and once again aimed at the boy with his pitchfork. The boy looked up, tears drying on his face, and said childishly, "Are we going to play?"

The nameless man nodded, "Yes," he answered, thrusting the pitchfork at Naruto's chest, "we're going to play."

In a suspicious display of skill, Naruto leaped up, deflecting the weapon and circling to the man's side. A kunai appeared in the boy's hand as he kicked the man in the back of the knee, making him fall to one side as Naruto wrapped one hand around his face, while the other used the blade to cut deep into his throat, spraying blood all over the brick wall.

The ANBU paused as he heard the commotion, then continued without missing a beat, "Like I said, one-hundred and _one _counts of causing a public disturbance, one-hundred and one counts of disrupting the market place, one-hundred and one counts of attacking a ninja in the employ of the Hokage, one-hundred and one counts of assault with intent to murder, one-hundred and one counts of screaming a village secret at the top of your lungs for all to hear, one-hundred and one counts of purchasing smuggled weaponry, one-hundred and one counts of violations of common sense, one-hundred and one counts of interrupting a diplomatic meeting taking place in the Hokage tower, one-hundred and one counts of interfering with a ninja's mission, one-hundred and one counts of treason, and one-hundred and one counts of forming an angry mob without a permit." he finished, flipping another page and thinking, _'Hmmnn, chocolate syrup AND whipped cream?'_

"All pretty damning crimes, if you ask me," the ANBU captain lazily commented, "especially that last one. Now how do you plead? Guilty? Of course you do."

He gestured towards Naruto, cheerfully saying, "Cat, tell them what they've won."

Naruto vanished in a puff of smoke, replaced by a tall, leggy, brunette with a mane of hair, a cat mask on her face, and a form the ANBU captain had no qualms of ogling while in the team showers. She sped through a couple of hand-seals, holding the last one, then declared simply, "Death."

The entire crowd then inexplicably exploded in a shower of guts, blood, severed limbs and heads, bloody clothes, and brains.

_'Hmmmn...'_ pondered the ANBU captain, idly flipping another page and flicking a bloody bra off his book, _'that sounds heavenly, I wonder if I can convince my girlfriend to try that with me?'_

"Time?" he asked no-one in particular.

The rookie wearing a tiger mask looked at his watch, "Lord Hokage should have just finished taking Naruto out to ramen, Kakashi."

Kakashi Hatake flipped another page, waiting, _'Blood as a lubricant? Hmmm.'_

"I mean, captain." the rookie belatedly corrected himself, wincing under his mask, "And sir, If I may ask a question?"

"Go ahead."

"Doesn't what we're doing seem... unethical?" the rookie asked, shuffling uncomfortably.

"Have you ever heard of Social Darwinism?" Kakashi asked, closing his book and putting it away.

"Uh... yeah, but what does that have to do with what we're doing? I mean, this is the fifth group today."

"Instead of weeding out the weak, we're weeding out the stupid." Kakashi responded, taking to the rooftops, "We're killing those who would think Naruto a demon of all things, and stupidly try to lynch him in the middle of the village, thinking we would just turn away and let them do it. We're making the village safer for icki-Narukins and smarter place. Besides," he added off-handedly, "if these civilians we're killing are trying to hurt a four-year old boy, I think its safe to say we should make sure they don't try to do the same with other children, like your daughter for instance." he commented, easily cementing the rookie's conviction they were doing the right thing.

He came to a stop on top of the next rooftop, waiting a moment for the rest of his team to catch up. "You all did well today," he started seriously, "the Hokage will be pleased with your performance. I'm giving you all the rest of the week off to do whatever you wish. Now excuse me while I go write a report on today's mission." he drawled lazily, vanishing in a puff of smoke.

Yep, just your average day in Konoha.

**My thoughts on the oft-used cliché that everyone and their pet dogs beat, abuse, rape, try to murder, and form mobs to chase little Naruto from the day he's born in some stupid conviction that he's the incarnation of the Kyuubi, while somehow Sarutobi is completely powerless to stop the evil civvies and his occasional idiot ninja when he's the all powerful dictator of a village full of super sneaky, water dragon throwing super-soldiers that could massacre entire cities if so inclined.**

**Really folks, is it that hard to come up with something original and realistic when it comes to Naruto? Why just the other day I got a email from this site stating that a, cliché ridden, poorly thought out, grammar ignoring fanfic managed to acquire a legion of followers and get added to one of my favorite communities, all the while staring the cliched Sasukified, revenge-seeking Naruto.**

**I'm not the devout religious type, god help us all if the Naruto fandom doesn't improve- but enough of my rambling.**

**If any of you reading this find any of these oneshots inspiring you, feel free to use them to help you in your writing. All I ask in return is a heads up in the form of a PM or review, and a few mentions here and there that I got your muse kicking.**


	2. Who Put All This

**Chapter Two; Who Put All This Stuff In The Scroll?**

**Warning: Crack Ahead.**

"This is so awesome!" Naruto shouted, waving his arms around, "Look at all this stuff! Jutsu, weapons, armor, clothes, and... baking recipes?"

He squinted closer, "How to make Lion's Rage, the world's strongest aphrodisiac? Don't know what that means, but it sounds awesome! I'll write it down later, 'cause I've got more stuff to look at."

The blonde boy read for a few minutes, then came to a few things Mizuki would like.

"Shadow clone, make a solid copy of yourself to have a bunch of fun. A clone jutsu? I suck at those, but it still sounds awesome! Ultimate Fingers, make her turn to jelly in your hands? Useful, wonder if that would work on guys? Purification jutsu, clean yourself of many diseases and stop mistakes from happening without using condoms?"

Naruto squinted his eyes closed, thinking, "Aren't condoms those things old people live in? Houses stacked on top of each other?" he murmured, shrugging to himself, "Whatever, these all sound awesome! Going to have to write that down... but that'll take too long."

He looked at the shadow clone jutsu again, made the handsigns, and exerted chakra.

An exact replica of himself popped up next to him, staring at him in shock.

Both blinked, "That was easy." they said, "Thought that was going to be a bit harder."

They shrugged, one pointing to the other, "You, write all this stuff down."

"Why do I get the boring job? I wanna read the scroll!" he whined.

"'Cause I'm awesome!"

"But we're the same person!"

"'Cause I'm the real one!"

"No you're not!"

"Yes I am, you're my clone! I saw you pop up next to me!"

"I saw you do that to! I made you!"

Both Narutos squinted in confusion, "You're making my head hurt." one said.

"No, you're making my head hurt!"

"Whatever, just write this stuff down!"

"Make me!"

Naruto launched himself at himself, tossing a wild fist that hit himself in his face. One Naruto popped away, the other landing on the ground in a heap.

"Ow! That jerk punched me in the face!"

He looked around, completely confused, "Where did I go?"

After a moment he shrugged, making another handsign, and making himself appear in another puff of smoke.

"You, write all this down!"

"Why do I get the boring job? Why can't I read the scroll?!" he whined.

"Because if you don't write it down, I'm going to punch a bitch!"

Naruto snickered, "You just called yourself a bitch."

"Do you want to get punched like that last guy?" Naruto glared at Naruto, looking a lot more like a pouting puppy than intimidating.

Naruto sighed, took out a pad and pencil, then got to work.

"Good!" Other Naruto chirped, reading further down the scroll.

"Ultimate Scissor jutsu, Ultimate Jiggle jutsu, an Invisibility Jutsu- write this one down- and a... seal?"

A picture of a seal stared back at him, whiskered with a goofy grin stuck on its face. A bit further down a bunny picture joined it, another of a horse, one of a dove, and another of an octopus.

Each read, "Summoning Scrolls". Awe-fucking-some.

Naruto summoned five more clones, popped the scrolls out of the seals below each picture, then handed them to the clones.

"Do what you need to do to summon them, and see if they want to help an awesome ninja become Hokage!"

Naruto grinned at Naruto, the gaggle of Narutos running into the woods to talk to their new friends.

"Awesome! More seals!"

One read "Sword" another read "Glasses", and yet another said simply "Clothes". Each looked like one of those seals Iruka sensei showed them in class, one that let you put stuff in them.

Naruto's hand hovered over the first, "Sword", cause swords were awesome and glasses and clothes weren't. Unless you had those glasses Shino wore, and awesome clothes like a cape and tights- like that guy that flew around and shot lasers out of his eyes.

"I wish I could shoot lasers out of my eyes." Naruto pouted.

Writing-Naruto nodded, "Yeah, that would be awesome... I wanna see the sword!"

Naruto nodded, channeling chakra into his hand and making smoke puff out. Something heavy appeared in his hand, the boy struggling to lift it out of the smoke.

An unassuming sword stared back at them, looking like any other sword Naruto saw.

"Awesome." he breathed.

"I see Master's scroll had been found."

Both Narutos heads whipped around, "Who said that!"

"Look at what's in your hand." the unknown voice instructed.

Both complied, "Who said that?"

"I did."

"Who are you?"

"What do you think?"

"Some guy staring at us from the woods? Your voice is very deep."

"It is, but I'm not some guy in the woods."

"Are you a girl?"

"No." the voice answered, raising.

"You're not a girl or a guy?"

"No."

"How?"

"Is this a game of twenty questions?" it shouted, "I'm the sword in your hand you bloody idiot!"

"Swords can't talk." Writing-Naruto answered, "But if they did it would be awesome!"

"Then tell me where my voice is coming from!"

The Narutos looked around, eyes falling on the sword, "Okay, you got us. How do you talk?"

"It's complicated."

"Please tell us?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because you wouldn't understand."

"Please?"

The sword sighed, "Maybe later, and I stress maybe. What's your name, kid?"

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki, future Hokage!" both Naruto's shouted.

They glared at each other, but the sword interrupted, "You may call me Sword." it said simply.

"Sword? What kind of name is that?"

"What kind of name is Naruto?" it countered.

"An awesome one!" both shouted.

"Keep telling yourself that, boy. Now if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you let out my friend as well. Floating around in the sealing world is so boring, and I only bumped into Backpack a few times in that murk."

"What's a backpack got to do with anything?"

"That's what it calls itself, it should be on Master's scroll."

Naruto looked, "There are two other seals, one says clothes and the other says glasses."

"Then it should be in the glasses one."

Both Naruto's squinted their eyes, "But I thought it was called Backpack?"

"Just take it out of the bloody seal already!"

They flinched at the sudden scream, hastening to comply. He repeated what he did to get out Sword, and found himself holding a pair of glasses.

It looked like any other pair, lenses completely clear and set on a thin, black frame.

"Hello Backpack, long time no see." Sword greeted, sounding much happier.

"Hello Sword, I see Master's scroll had been found." the pair of glasses replied.

"Indeed it has, say hello to our new owner, Naruto Uzumaki."

The glasses snorted, "Naruto Uzumaki? What kind of name is that?"

"What kind of name is Backpack!?" the blonde shot back.

"An awesome one."

"But you're not even a backpack!"

"Is it that obvious?" Backpack snarked, "What would my parents think? My backpack ancestors must be turning in their straps."

Sword laughed, "I missed you, old friend."

"And I you. Now, boy, are you going to use us or what?"

"Use you?"

"Yes, or are you going to stare at us?" Sword snarked, "I know we're pretty and all, but I look a lot prettier in a room splattered in blood."

"And I looking at some fine ladies." Backpack remarked.

Naruto rolled his eyes, "Can you go see whats taking those guys so long? They should have been done by now."

Writing-Naruto nodded, stood up, and ran off into the woods.

Naruto put Backpack on, "So, can you guys do anything awesome?"

"I can cut through any material in existence." Sword replied.

"Anything? That's awesome!"

"Well, anything that isn't a woman. Master designed us with special properties, you see. Somehow I just phase through a woman, but still cut up her clothes."

Naruto squinted, "How does that work?"

"I don't know."

The boy sighed, "And you, Backpack?"

"Oh, you'll see soon enough, boy."

Naruto shrugged, "Okay, I like surprises and- guys why are you all naked? And where's Writing-Naruto?"

"That's odd," Backpack muttered, "I hadn't changed my configuration yet."

The gaggle of Narutos shrugged, "The summons each told us the same thing, they wanted to see the condition of our body. Remember how we forgot to wear underwear today?"

Naruto nodded.

"We forgot to remember and took all our clothes off. Then Writing Naruto popped in, stole it all, then ran off."

"Oh that explains it." Backpack muttered.

"You didn't chase him?" Real Naruto asked.

"Of course we did! But the Bunny summon ran past us, tackled him to the ground, then set all our clothes on fire somehow."

"Bunnies can shoot fire?" Naruto queried, confused, "Then what happened to Writing-Naruto?"

Another clone piped up, "The Octopus took him deeper into the woods for some reason. Don't know what happened since we came back here with the scrolls."

Each held theirs up, "And before you ask, all the other summons vanished somewhere. Said they needed to make up on research."

"Oh. Whatever, do I have my new summons yet?"

They all shook their heads, "Nope, you've got to sign the scroll with your name in blood. Figured you'd do that, since if we got punched we'd vanish."

Naruto sighed, pulling out a kunai, "Fine, give them here."

Iruka chose that exact moment to appear on an overhead branch, "Naruto what are you-" he blinked.

"Why are there a bunch of you, and why are they naked?"

"Hi, Iruka sensei!" The gaggle sang, "We forgot to wear underwear today."

"...and where are your clothes?"

One shrugged, "They got burnt by a bunny."

"...a bunny?"

"Long story." Real Naruto muttered, signing the last scroll and tucking it away, "Its just that- sensei! Where are _your_ clothes!"

He looked up to find his pseudo-father figure crouched on a tree branch, wearing nothing but a pair of heart boxers.

"Ah, there we go." Backpack muttered.

Iruka blinked.

"He's wearing clothes, idiot!" one of the clones shouted.

"You just called yourself an idiot." another pointed out.

Naruto took off Backpack, rubbed his eyes, and found Iruka wearing his usual outfit: a chunin uniform with his headband around his forehead.

He put Backpack back on, and found Iruka back in his pink heart boxers.

"Oh." Naruto said simply.

"You should wait until you see the ladies." Backpack whispered, "That'll be the day you become a man."

Iruka's head swiveled, "Who said that? Show yourself!"

Naruto pointed to his face, "That was Backpack, sensei."

"Backpack? That's a pair of glasses."

"Your ability to state the obvious is awe-inspiring." Sword snarked, voice deep and booming.

Iruka's head snapped around yet again, completely confused, "What?"

"Naruto!" Mizuki greeted happily, appearing on another branch with wild eyes, "Very good work, now- why are there a bunch of you, and where are their clothes?"

"We forgot to wear underwear today and took our clothes off for our summons. Writing Naruto ran off with them, then they got burned by a bunny."

Mizuki blinked, opened his mouth, blinked again, and closed it with a snap, "...what?"

"It's a long story." real Naruto muttered, not wanting to look at Mizuki and see whatever he wore underneath.

Backpack snickered, "That guy is wearing a thong."

"What! Who said that? Show yourself, now!" Mizuki shouted, looking around.

Nobody said anything for a moment, then Mizuki muttered, "It's nothing Aphrodite, just another demon." his eyes grew wilder- "And speaking of demons..." -and fixed on Naruto, "Do you want to hear a little story, Naruto?"

"Mizuki! We're not allowed to discuss it, and did you take your medicine today?"

Mizuki laughed madly, "Medicine? It's not medicine! Just another way for the Hokage to control us all! Just like you, Demon." he whispered, staring at Naruto, "You are the Kyuubi, the Nine-Tailed-Fox. You attacked this village long ago, now I'm going to make it safe for everyone!"

Naruto blinked at his crazy teacher, not taking note of the bulging thong, then blinked at Iruka.

"I'm confused." Naruto muttered.

Iruka looked around the clearing, rubbing his head, "Join the club." he muttered.

And then a squad of ANBU appeared, tackling Mizuki and real Naruto to the ground. One ANBU shoved a handful of pills down the teacher's throat, while a few others held down the flailing man.

Naruto blinked up at the person holding him down, seeing nothing but a horse mask and a very mature, very naked, feminine body.

"Hubba hubba," Backpack whispered, "Look at those curves."

"Did you say something?" The ANBU woman whispered.

"No!" Naruto squeaked, blushing, "I-I'm just wondering if I'm in trouble."

"Sort of." she answered, looking to his clones, "Why are they naked?"

"Fire breathing bunny." one answered, looking at the ninja around them.

The ANBU just nodded, as if it made sense, "Of course... dispel yourselves immediately."

"How do we do that?"

"Focus yourselves, and think of exploding."

The clones closed their eyes, thought very deeply, then vanished in puffs of smoke.

"Good." The woman whispered, standing up and inadvertently letting Naruto get an eyeful, "Threats have been neutralized, stand up Uzumaki."

The boy hastened to obey, and quickly discovered that the rest of the ANBU were also women.

His blush deepened.

"Uzumaki, once we debrief this-"

"De-thong." Backpack corrected.

"Pardon?"

"He's not wearing briefs, but a thong." Sword answered, laying on the ground a distance away.

The woman slowly turned back to Naruto, checking to make sure they weren't stuck in a genjutsu, "Why are your items talking?"

"It's complicated." Sword answered.

The ANBU all decided to roll with it, "Very well, once we de-brief-"

"De-thong."

"-interview the subject, you will be-debriefed."

"But... I forgot to wear underwear today." Naruto muttered, looking at the ground.

Complete silence, then, "He likes going commando." Backpack whispered.

The ANBU nodded, "Okay. We have orders to let you return home on your own volition. We'll interview you when we're done with Mizuki."

Said man was slumped over one woman's back like a sack of potatoes, "Everything is numb." he whispered.

The ANBU turned to leave, then paused, "Rather well done infiltrating the tower, by the way. Taught those rookie ANBU to keep their eyes open." and left.

Silence.

"You managed to sneak past a bunch of ANBU, steal a scroll from the Hokage after incapacitating him, and avoid detection on the way out?" Iruka asked, landing next to him.

Naruto nodded.

Iruka looked dumbstruck, before shaking himself out of his shock. He thought for a moment, then turned to his most promising student, eyes brimming with pride.

"Naruto, come over here and close your eyes."

Naruto looked at his half naked sensei, "Nuh uh." he replied, shaking his head, "You're cool and all Iruka-sensei, but I don't do that gay stuff."

And then he walked away.

0o0o0o0o0

"Hmm." Sarutobi thought to himself, smoking from his pipe to nurse his wounded pride, "Of course Naruto would take one of Jiraiya's old scrolls, rather than the forbidden one."

He sighed, "I can only hope letting him keep it won't be a grave mistake down the line, but I owe it to the boy."

**And there you go. **

**This is a parody of the oft used plot device, in which Naruto finds a bunch of game-breaking weapons or jutsu in the forbidden scroll, scroll of sealing, or whatever its called- that he then uses to be a BAMF and take out all opposition like they're nothing. If a scroll like that held something so powerful, why wouldn't it be tucked away somewhere a little safer than a shelf on the Hokage's office? Or better yet, used?**

**While I'm here, I might as well mention that this series of oneshots will be on a loose continue om. Expect occasional callbacks, use of equipment in previous chapters, and a snowball effect that will leave you, and I, confused.**

**Progress on my main work, Voiceless, is coming along nicely at times, poorly at others. Right now I'm on chapter seventeen, with a few chapters due for re-write. Don't expect anything to get published until I get to chapter twenty five, or finish the whole story. **


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